DVD commentary tends to be marginally informative at best, and totally self-aggregandizing at worst. In the commentary for Total Recall, Arnold Schwarzenegger adopts a different tactic: literally state every going-on on screen, with insight such as "Again I got away." Here's a sampling:
But what if Arnold were to apply his considerably nonsensical narrating skill to other classic films? Here's our anticipated results:
Citizen Kane "I love this part! He named his sled Rosebud! Isn't that great?"
Star Wars "And now Luke's about to find out that his father is Darth Vader. You can sense the anxiety on his face."
Black Swan "He tells her the story of Swan Lake even though she's performed it a hundred times before. Isn't he helpful?"
Labyrinth "David Bowie has really big balls. He's no girlyman. Look at him playing with his balls."
Gone With the Wind "This is when he tells her he doesn't give a damn. He's kind of rude, but awesome."
As always, play along in the comments!